The Hazards Of Raising Our Kids To Be Dependent

Much has been made of Joseph Epstein's recent essay, in which he described our current culture as a "Kindergarchy" - a culture in which kids are kings (and queens), and adults are their subjects, slaves and servants. He argues that we are preventing our kids from developing independence, and that we would be better off teaching our kids to be much more self-reliant. We have talked before about money-making ideas for kids, and earning an income of their own is one of the fastest ways for kids to learn responsibility and develop a sense of their own competence.

It is not in the best interests of the children, this weakening our kids by doing things for them. As Jenny Ford points out in her blog post on the topic, these college kids who still get wake-up phone calls from their parents every morning aren't likely to accomplish much in life - it;s generally considered to be a prerequisite for most of life's achievements for able-bodied young men and women to have at the very least mastered the art of getting out of bed without outside assistance.

Epstein is a college professor, and he encounters the precious products of this pampered uber-parenting on a daily basis. His observation? They are unable to complete the simplest of tasks without having an unending stream of unconditionally positive and encouraging praise and affirmation. Take the spotlight of adult rapture off them, and they sink into indolence. We have been weakening our kids by doing things for them, and the chickens are coming home to roost.

Where is the pioneering spirit which made this nation great?

Where is the tough self-reliance that made do with fencing wire and string to mend just about any piece of machinery? The inner strength which braved floods, droughts, hostile natives (however politically incorrect hat may seem today), starvation, and illness hundreds of miles from the nearest hospital or store?

This current generation can't imagine being outside walking distance from a McDonalds - to which they would rather be driven than walk, anyway - and have never known a moment's hunger or hardship in their lives.

Teachers has been issuing non-threatening, chatty reports using words like "working towards" and "becoming competent", to avoid hurting the little feelings of the children who are failing to reach the expected levels of accomplishment. This is all very well if the child in question is disabled, and has no hope of ever reaching the expected levels, but it is dangerously misleading to the child of normal capability who actually needs honest feedback to know whether or not they have done what it takes.

Trying, failing, and trying again are experiences which simply must occur during a child's lifetime, in order to build the physical, mental, and emotional stamina that living in the real world requires. We seem to accept this requirement when it comes to physical skills - we allow our kids to fall over as they learn to walk, to ride a bike, and to dance or figure skate.

However, we seem to have a collective mental block when it comes to the parallel "falling over" of mastering mental and emotional tasks. Disappointment, sadness, frustration, anger, confusion, and even temporary despair are important learning experiences. Shielding kids from those emotions is weakening our kids by doing things for them.

These lessons are much more painful when learned in one's 40s and the sums involved are tens of thousands, then when learned as a child using nickels and dimes. When it comes to kids and money, it is infinitely better to cut them off from the parental teat at an early age than to carry them long after they should have been earning money for themselves. There are many great ways for kids to make money available, so if you have kids, let them know the Bank of Parent is shutting its doors, bite the bullet, and let them learn how the real world works.